


Cheer Up, Emo Kid

by The Little MerBucky (blue_pointer)



Series: Lightning in a Bottle [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Chris Hemsworth is a gift, Comedy, Crack, Depression, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Nomad Steve Rogers, Playing with dolls, Post-Break Up, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Super Husbands, Therapy, Thor Is Not Stupid, Thor Is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, because Thor, han solo reference, history of stony, more helen of troy jokes, regrets he's had a few, super ex-husbands, whatever happened to Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 17:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11109804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_pointer/pseuds/The%20Little%20MerBucky
Summary: Following the events of Civil War, Tony has a serious case of the blues. But Thor knows just how to turn that frown upside-down. (and Steve unwittingly helps)





	Cheer Up, Emo Kid

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/BU9urTtBl55/) video.  
> May the blessings of Hemsworth be upon you.

Tony lay, shipwrecked on the desert island of his bed. There was no Pepper to wake him up with her soft ‘I don’t snore, Tony’ breathing, no Steve to hog the blankets, no May to weigh his abandoned mattress down one last time--he was a bad influence on Peter, she’d said. He was alone. All alone in the world.

“Tony, stop sulking and get your ass down here,” Rhodey demanded over the intercom.

"I’m dead. Please leave a message,” Tony said. “Or, you know, don’t.”

“Don’t think I can’t get these legs goin’ and come in there to kick your fat butt.”

Tony gasped. “It’s not fat, it’s the perfect cushion for the pushin’.” But that made him sad again. No one would be pushin’ his cushion anymore. He heaved a long sigh.

“Tony, don’t make me send Vision in there.”

Too late. “Sir, are you quite well? I and the others are concerned.” He hovered over Tony’s bed like the Sword of Damocles.

“Never been better.” Tony’s tone was cheerful, but he didn’t budge an inch from his sprawl of despair across 1500 thread count sheets.

“If you’ll pardon my saying so, you don’t _appear_ to be fine,” Vision persisted. He still had that Jarvis instinct buried somewhere deep inside his crimson ingenue head.

“Hey, you know what’s a great idea?” Tony asked, like a man about to throw a stick for his dog. Vision perked up perceptibly. “You could help Rhodey with his morning therapy.”

Vision hesitated. “He often swears at me when--”

“That just means you’re doing it right,” Tony assured him. “The more he swears, the better the therapy.”

“If you say so, Sir.” Vision cast one more worried glance over his shoulder as he melted through the wall.

“I gotta start sleeping in a Faraday cage or something,” Tony muttered to himself. And went back to sulking. So tragic. The endless path of his solitary life, like train tracks disappearing into the horizon…

“Friend Anthony!” Thor burst through the door. “I am returned, and such adventures I have had! Let me regale you!” He leapt onto the bed, landing butt-first, perched right by Tony’s head.

“Get out,” Tony told him, flatly. The big galoot had been back for a week and still acted as though he’d only just returned. His enthusiasm could not be quenched. And it was the last thing Tony needed right now.

“Ohhh, you don’t mean that, friend,” Thor said, patting Tony on the back much more gently than was his usual habit. “There are many good reasons to get out of bed this day. For example: coffee.”

He had Tony there. Coffee was one of his main motivating factors in life. “I can have coffee in bed,” he argued.

“Building!” Thor suggested. “A builder can’t not build. It is in his very nature to be constructive!”

“I’m not feeling constructive just now, okay?” Tony snapped. “Go annoy someone else, you overgrown lightning bug.”

“Oh-ho!” Thor rocked back and forth with a laugh. “What a clever jest. You are indeed a born builder and jester.”

“Sure, just gimme one of those damned hats, I’ll dance for your amusement all day. It’s what I live for.” Did no one appreciate his pain?

“Sarcasm is a double-edged sword,” Thor told him, extending his index finger to show he was doling out Thor Wisdom™. “Use it sparingly.”

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that.”

“Excellent!” Thor stood. Could Tony be that lucky? Was he actually leaving on his own? “And now, I must go to do...something important!” he announced.

“You do that,” Tony told him, making a shooing motion with one hand. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”

“I shall be away for some time!” he went on.

“I’ll try to find a way to bear the pain of our separation,” Tony drawled.

“Do not expect me soon,” he added, slowly heading for the door, glancing back at Tony over his shoulder. _Oh god_. He was going to try to surprise him with something.

“I’m honestly fine with that,” Tony told him, hoping against hope that he might listen.

“I’m leaving now,” Thor said, opening the door, glancing back. Did subtlety not exist on Asgard? Tony really wanted to know. “For a very long time,” he insisted.

“I won’t wait up for you,” Tony assured him.

“Goodbye, friend Anthony,” he said, nearly disappearing behind the door. Tony could see him peering around the corner, though.

“You know, big guy, I can still see you.”

“Farewell!” And with one last wave, he shut the door.

Tony should hide. He should take a back exit out of here, maybe slide under the bed. Something. Because Thor was definitely coming back. And he had odd ideas about what constituted appropriate gestures of affection. He really didn’t need this today. Why couldn’t they all just leave him alone?

In the end, Tony decided he just didn’t have the fucks to get up and move. He was at the very bottom of his barrel of fucks, and there were none left. Not even bits and pieces of fucks he might weld together to form a whole fuck.

His sweetheart, his blond Adonis, his angelic super-husband had left him to die in Siberia. Because of a fuzzy little...demon child. With sad eyes. Tony could make sad eyes, too--the saddest. But Steve didn’t seem to care about that anymore. He heaved a deep sigh. Everything hurt. He wanted a drink.

Then he heard the door open again. _Oh god._ Tony closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. He heard...something dragging itself across the floor? _Please let it be a basilisk, please let it be a basilisk, please let it be a basilisk…_ Then he felt the weight of a hand on the blankets.

“My name is Anthony Stark, and I wear a suit of armor because I’m actually quite squishy inside.” It was Thor’s terrible falsetto that made him open his eyes. To find an Iron Man action figure sitting next to him on the bed. Thor was still on the floor, like a legitimate puppeteer. “Not just my puny Midgardian flesh and guts,” Iron Man explained. “But I’m secretly tenderhearted and kind, though I attempt to hide it with a sharp tongue.” Tony honestly couldn’t decide if he was insulted or if this was the best therapy he’d never paid for.

“I’ve had a terrible time,” Iron Man went on. “I was just trying to do the righteous thing and protect my friends, but no one appreciated me. Then I found out someone killed my parents, and my bosom friend and I parted ways when I sought to avenge their deaths.”

“Sounds like you have had it rough,” Tony told the Iron Man figurine, reaching up to rub its helmet with his index finger. He started when a Cap action figure suddenly popped into view. Oh, it hurt to even look at.

“Look at me!” Thor’s falsetto didn’t change a bit as he waggled the plastic Cap in the air. “I’m an idiot!”

Tony snorted. Surely it was involuntary that half of his face had twitched into a grin. He certainly hadn’t meant to. “Yes you are!” he scolded it. “Why haven’t you called?”

“Yes, well I’m quite stubborn,” little Steve explained. “And oh dear, lookit me, I just got--” Thor brought his fist down on the figurine with a crunch. “--smashed over there like a little fly.”

Tony couldn’t help peeking over the side of the bed. “You realize that was a limited edition,” he told Thor. “I thought I told you to stop taking those out of the boxes.”

“But how are you to play with your toys if you leave them in their boxes?!” Thor was outraged as a five-year-old child.

Tony couldn’t be mad at him, the figure hadn’t been that rare, and it had surprisingly lifted his spirits to see Steve smashed into the ground. “Maybe I’ll get you some of your own, huh?” he offered.

“Then we can play together!” Thor beamed.

“Sure thing, sparky. Then we’ll build model train sets and run them around the tower all day long.”

“That sounds delightful!” Thor boomed.

Tony rolled his eyes. “Jeez, you really just are a big kid, aren’t you?”

Thor leaned close with a sober look. “Have I honestly lifted your spirits at all, friend Anthony? We are truly concerned for your well-being. In dark times, it may feel as though no one is on your side, but rest assured, we all are.”

Tony suddenly had the wild urge to kiss him. Instead, he said, “Thanks, pal. I appreciate it.”

Rhodey’s voice crackled over the intercom again. “Holy cow, Tony, you have got to see this.”

“What?”

“Just...get down here.”

Tony flopped back on the bed. “I don’t feel like it.”

“Let me help you, friend.” That was all the warning Tony had before he was scooped up over Thor’s shoulder and whisked from the room.

“How do you live up here?” he asked, starting to get vertigo from flying down the stairs seven feet above the ground.

“Did he enjoy the toys?” Vision asked Thor, curious.

“They were a great success!” Thor declared, depositing Tony in the nearest chair.

“Okay, okay.” Rhodey leaned over to Tony, holding up his cell phone. “A new ‘enhanced human’ has been spotted rescuing kittens from trees. The footage isn’t clear, but eyewitness accounts describe his costume...like this.”

“Dear god.”

“I wish to see the magic pictures as well,” Thor said, leaning over. “Not very functional as armor,” he observed, politically.

“He’s got his whole chest out!” Rhodey laughed. “What does he think it is, 1978?”

The color scheme, the drastic v-neck, the completely pointless mask. Tony knew exactly which enhanced human had come up with that get-up. “It’s Steve,” he groaned, rubbing his eyes.

“Say what now?” Rhodey looked at him.

“Only Steven would think yellow swashbucklers, matching gloves, and a yellow-lined cape is a disguise.”

Rhodey started to laugh. “You’re kidding.”

“I really wish I was.” Tony was conflicted, overcome both by the need to fix Steve’s ridiculous wardrobe so he didn’t make a complete ass of himself and the urge to laugh and soak up the schadenfreude. Served him right.

“He looks like the Mustard Avenger.”

“Avenging mustards far and wide!” Thor said, lifting a fist.

“The Condiment King,” Rhodey put in.

“Is it unfashionable to wear capes?” Vision asked, looking nervous.

“Not if you have red skin,” Rhodey assured him.

“Oh, thank heavens.” Vision fluttered onto the couch cushions.

Tony was just trying to envision Cap running around in that get-up. He was also trying NOT to. Those rippling abs...giant pecs out for the world to see…

“Tony? Earth to Stank.”

“Where do you suppose his little monster is?” Tony asked, thoughtful.

“Who?” Rhodey asked. “The metal-armed guy?”

Tony looked at him sarcastically. “No, hunbun, Helen of Troy. Who else would we fight a civil war over?”

“You know Helen?” Thor grinned. “Lovely woman. The best apple pastries!”

Everyone stopped to look at him. “Are you kidding me right now?”

Thor’s smile faded. “You don’t know her?”

Rhodey darted into Tony’s line of vision. “Okay, let’s focus. You thinking of tracking him down?”

Vision leaned forward, steepling his hands seriously. “I feel I must point out that murder is wrong.”

“Give me a break!” Tony snapped. “I’m just curious, okay? That whole revenge thing was a moment of weakness. The worst kind of timing.” He wished Cap could understand that and come home. And let Tony fix his wardrobe. Steve wasn’t colorblind anymore, but you sure wouldn’t know it from the way he dressed himself on a normal day. “I mean, logically, Fido should be at his side, right? Doing some kind of boy wonder thing. So where is he?”

“Taking a nap?” Thor suggested.

“In a clinic somewhere, getting therapy?” Rhodey wondered.

“No way,” Tony said. “Steve doesn’t trust shrinks.” It was one of few things they had in common.

“The jet flew to Wakanda from Siberia,” Vision said, checking the navigation computer.

Rhodey watched him. “Tony, I know that look.”

“Didn’t you say you’ve always wanted to go to Africa, sweetcheeks?”

“I was stationed in Djibouti for a year, asshole. Thanks for paying attention.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Tony stood up.

“Are we going forth to adventure?” Thor asked, hopping up from his seat.

“Um…” It would certainly rule out the stealth plan. Then again, he flew around in a red and gold suit, so who was he to judge? “Yeah. Let’s do it.”

“Tony…”

“Don’t be such a spoilsport, grandpa.”

“Is this wise?” Vision wanted to know.

“Never tell me the odds,” Tony told him, striding from the room.

 

_...to be continued???_

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a one-shot...


End file.
